Old clippings

I’ve been cleaning out my room lately. There is now nothing left in it except for my bedding and clothing for the next few days in Edmonton. It is quite sad really. However the nice thing is that I’ve found a few cool things I hadn’t realized I still had. One of them is a newspaper clipping Mum and Dad sent me when I lived in Australia. I usually don’t keep newspaper clippings sent to me, but this one was way too funny. So now I’m going to share it with you. It is from the National Post from way back in 2002 – so keep that in mind when it is talking about Jean Chretien (article 2).

The PQ’s Three-Year Plan
Excerpts from the Parti Quebecois’ new 1000-Day Plan to Achieve Quebec’s Sovereignty.

Phase One: Building National Pride
Day 4: Boost Quebec economy and spirit of nationalism with multi-billion dollar maple syrup pipeline.
Day 32: Capitalize on Quebecer’s love of casting ballots with new slogan: “We promise twice as many referendums as all other parties combined!”
Day 172: Appease finicky moderates by establishing new Ministry of Love-Hate Relations with English Canada.
Day 229: Ensure good voter turnout by unveiling “Frequent Referendum Miles” program.

Phase Two: Infuriating English Canada
Day 344: Open Quebec “embassies: around the world and just pretend.
Day 411: Stamp out invasive English slang by finally revealing pithy French equivalent for phrase, “You go girl.” [Note: we did this in Madame Nieuwenhuis’ French 30]
Day 672: Provoke trade war with Ontario by introducing punishing export tariffs on poutine.

Phase Three: Final Steps to Victory
Day 952: Invite Jacques Parizeau to Premier’s residence for elegant dinner party; lock him in dank cellar with promise to return in “couple of months, give or take.”
Day 978: If polls look iffy, haul out heavy artillery: Drop disturbing hint that if anglos in Quebec don’t vote Yes, some of Celine Dion’s sisters might suddenly decide to take up singing.
Day 999: Last minute announcement: Everyone who votes Yes in referendum will be entered into draw to win despotic control over Cree territory!
Day 1000: Hold referendum; ensure results tabulated and audited by Arthur Andersen.

Jokes For Jean
(Found in the wastepaper basket after George W. Bush’s meeting with Jean Chretien)

Here are some off-the-cuff jokes the speechwriters have prepared that you may want to use with the media regarding your session with Prime Minister Jean Chretien (“zhawn cretty-en”) of Canada (“kah-nah-da”). Unfortunately, our regular joke writers are off with Condoleezza, so we used the guys from that Tom Arnold show you like. As per usual, we’ve posted the jokes on the arms of chairs and on the picture frames in the hotel suites, so don’t be aftraid to look for them. You will merely appear lost in thought.

  • “Mr. Chretien is a real cowboy. Well, maybe ‘boy’ isn’t right, but then ‘cow’ isn’t either. So we’ve got that in common.”
  • “We have an old expression down in Texas for guys like Mr. Chretien: ‘He’s not Mexican, he’s Canadian!’ That’s never been truer, right there.”
  • “My daddy waned me about meeting this fellow. He said, ‘Better count your fingers when you shake hands with a Canadian. You might end up with 8.6 fingers per hand!'” (Note: This is about the exchange rate. Ask Bob to explain.)
  • “I knew that when I met Mr. Chretien I could get away with giving him a five-gallon hat, since that’s 10 Canadian!” (Ask Bob again – but not in front of the media!)
  • “I have to say, I was a little bit scared when I heard Mr. Chretien was bilingual, but then they told me he just SPEAKS French…” (a spontaneous laugh here would be good, but suggest not wiping an imaginary tear from eye as in London).
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