I walked home from work today. I walk home nearly every day; it is only a 15min walk, so I don’t know why today seemed different.
Maybe because it was such a “normal” day. I got up, I went to work, I spent time with a friend on lunch break, I did groceries on the way home and then walked home humming to myself while swinging my green reusable shopping bag. It struck me, as I turned off of a busy street to walk some back streets for a more peaceful walk, that this could be it. I could make a career out of this, as many of my coworkers have, and have this constant life of M-F/8-5 with half of my evenings free and the other half doing church things or spending time with friends. This could be it.
Suddenly I was filled with a sense of what I can only call a combination of discontent, dissatisfaction, and pity; I do not want this to be my normal. I cannot live with that feeling and part of me feels sorry for those who do. I do not really know why, because I know that some people are incredibly happy in my line of work and do not want to sound condescending towards them. I just do not think that I am able to live my life like this for an extended period of time. The last week has shown me that much.
I have spent much of the last week with an extreme fatigue: I have been going to bed by 8:30/9pm, been so tired that I am nauseous (I even went home sick after 20min at work on Monday because I was so green and gross feeling), and had headaches for the better part of every day. I have been trying to fit too much into my life. There is the part of life I am responsible to and have made a commitment too, namely work. (I also need the income.) Then there is the part of life that makes me happy and feeds me emotionally and spiritually for the week, the part I spend the whole week looking forward too – choir practice, young adults gathering at church, Sunday morning church service, and spending time with friends. Apparently I am not WonderWoman and cannot do it all.
Part of my discontent likely stems from the fact that I am not using my gifts to the fullest of my abilities. I am beginning a Masters in Counselling Psychology in September and until that degree is finished, I will not be able to work in the field I am most excited to work in. I have also been doing a lot of thinking over the last few months on the idea of intentional community and the position of young adults in the Anglican church today (and have been very excited to find other like minds within the diocese who have independantly been thinking along the same lines!) and this has caused a growing discomfort with the way I live my life and a desire for change.
All of that being said, I am not unhappy with my life. I think that is a key distinction. Really, I have no cause for complaint. In the grand scheme of things it is probably a good thing to have some dissatisfaction because it means I am constantly striving for something more. In fact, I am not sure I ever want to be completely satisfied with where I am at. So here is to looking forward to the future and committing to live in the moment I am in and enjoy each moment of every day to the fullest. Even the parts that annoy me and seem to have no purpose.